When Your Child Self-Harms: A Therapist’s Guide
- Christina Faddoul-Lucero, LMFT
- Jul 7
- 5 min read
As a therapist, I’ve sat with countless parents in the quiet shock of discovery—the moment they learn their child has been self-harming. But one particular session has stayed with me for years.
A mother and father sat across from me, their teenage daughter between them, she was looking down with her arms folded tightly across her chest. Her sleeves were pulled down over her wrists, even though it was 80 degrees outside in sunny San Diego. Her parents were visibly rattled. “We found a razor in her room,” the father said. “We had no idea. She’s a straight-A student, always so composed and on top of everything.”
The daughter didn’t look up. But as we began to talk, the truth came out: she had been feeling overwhelmed for months. Her self-harm wasn’t a cry for attention—it was an attempt to regulate the emotions she didn’t know how to express. And like so many teens, she was hiding her pain behind the appearance of success.
That family’s story isn’t unique. In fact, it’s alarmingly common. As a therapist, I want to say this clearly: if your child is self-harming, you are not alone—and this is not a reflection of your failure as a parent. It’s a sign that your child is in pain and needs support.
Understanding Self-Harm: What It Is and What It Isn’t
Self-harm, often referred to clinically as non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), includes any intentional injury to one’s own body—most commonly cutting, burning, or hitting oneself. It’s important to recognize that self-harm is usually not a suicide attempt, though it can certainly be a risk factor.
Most often, children and teens engage in self-harm for one or more of the following reasons:
To manage overwhelming emotions (anger, sadness, anxiety)
To feel something when emotionally numb
To punish themselves
To release inner tension or distress
While this behavior may seem incomprehensible from the outside, for many young people it feels like the only way they can exert control or find relief.
What NOT to Do When You Discover Your Child is Self-Harming
It’s natural to respond with panic, confusion or anger, but your reaction can shape how your child feels about opening up. Here are a few common but unhelpful responses to avoid:
1. Don’t React with Judgment or Punishment
Saying things like “What were you thinking?” or “You’re just doing this for attention” can make your child feel even more isolated. Self-harm is not about manipulation—it’s about pain.
2. Don’t Dismiss or Minimize the Behavior
Avoid phrases like “You’re being dramatic,” or “You’ll grow out of it.” Even if the reasons don’t seem serious to you, they are serious to your child.
3. Don’t Immediately Try to “Fix” Everything
While your desire to help is valid, immediately jumping into solutions can shut down important conversations. First, your child needs to feel seen and heard.
What TO Do: A Licensed Therapist’s Recommendations
1. Approach with Calm Curiosity
Once you’ve discovered the self-harm, choose a quiet moment and say something like: “I noticed some marks on your arm and I want to talk about it because I love you and I’m worried.”
Use a soft, non-judgmental tone. This encourages honesty and shows your child you’re safe to talk to.
2. Listen More Than You Speak
Let them talk without interrupting or trying to solve the problem right away. Listen not just to their words but to their emotions. Respond with empathy: “That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way.”
3. Acknowledge Their Pain, Not Just the Behavior
Make it clear that you understand the behavior is a symptom of something deeper. Focus on the underlying emotional distress, not just the act of self-harming.
4. Seek Professional Support
Self-harm is often tied to conditions like depression, anxiety, trauma, or difficulty with emotional regulation. A licensed mental health professional trained in working with youth can help your child:
Understand what triggers their behavior
Learn healthier coping strategies
Build resilience and emotional awareness
You might start with your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or a therapy directory like Psychology Today to find qualified therapists in your area.
5. Create a Safety Plan
Work with your therapist to create a plan that includes:
Identifying triggers and warning signs
Safe coping techniques
Support systems (family, friends)
Emergency resources
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: available 24/7 via phone call or text
Crisis Textline: Text HOME to 741741; available 24/7 via text
You may also need to limit access to objects used for self-harm (such as kitchen knives, shaving razors, pencil sharpeners, tweazers), not as a punishment, but as a protective measure while your child learns new coping skills.
6. Encourage Alternative Coping Skills
With guidance, your child can begin to replace self-harm with healthier outlets like:
Journaling
Painting or creative expression
Physical activity (e.g., running, dance)
Mindfulness or grounding techniques
Talking to a trusted friend or adult
These alternatives take time to become effective—but they do work, especially when supported by therapy.
Support for You, Too
Parents often ask me, “What did I miss? What did I do wrong?” Please hear this: blame doesn’t help anyone—not you, and not your child. Instead, focus on what you can do now. Healing is a journey for both your child and your family. Consider finding support for yourself as well—through a parent support group, counseling, or even a trusted friend. You don’t have to walk this path alone.
I’ve seen countless families get through this and become stronger, more connected, and more resilient. That same teenage girl I mentioned at the beginning? She’s now a college sophomore, studying psychology. She still attends therapy occasionally, not because she’s broken—but because she knows how important it is to care for her mental health.
Healing is possible. Connection is possible. And you don’t need to be perfect—just present.
If you’re reading this and your child is self-harming, I want you to know this: There is help. There is hope. And you are not alone.
Our San Diego, California based counseling practice specializes in helping teens and adults who struggle with anxiety. Through counseling, we help kids and young adults overcome the negative thought cycles, the constant comparison game, and worst-case scenarios that accompany the anxious brain. Additionally, we offer other mental health services, primarily for perfectionists, overachievers or others who don’t feel like they 100% fit in. More specifically we offer treatment for anxiety/OCD, and depression at La Jolla Therapy Center. If you don’t live around San Diego or the commute makes in-person therapy impossible, all of our services are available via online therapy to anyone physically located in California. Therefore, we work with clients from Sacramento to Palo Alto or even Mountain View. You and your family deserve to finally feel less overwhelmed, so let’s get started!
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