How to Tell Your Children You're Getting a Divorce: A Child and Adolescent Therapist's Perspective
- Christina Faddoul-Lucero, LMFT
- Apr 15
- 12 min read
Divorce is one of the most challenging conversations a parent will ever have with their child. As a child and adolescent therapist, I’ve worked with many families navigating this transition, and one thing is clear: how you tell your children about divorce will have a lasting impact on how they perceive the divorce and their emotional well-being. While divorce is never easy, a thoughtful and child-centered approach can make all the difference in helping children cope with this significant change.
1. Plan the Conversation Together
If possible, both parents should sit down together and thoughtfully plan what they will say to their child regarding the changes in the family structure. This collaborative approach is crucial, as presenting a united front not only demonstrates to your child that while your marriage is coming to an end, you are still fully committed to the important task of co-parenting. It conveys a strong message that, despite the personal differences that may have led to the separation, both parents are united in their love and support for their child. During this preparation, it is beneficial to rehearse key messages that you wish to communicate clearly and compassionately. Consider what specific points you want to cover, such as the reasons for the separation, how it will affect living arrangements, and the continued love and support they will receive from both parents. Additionally, anticipate possible reactions from your child, which may range from confusion and sadness to anger or even relief. By preparing for these emotional responses, you can respond with empathy and understanding, which is essential in helping your child process this significant change. It is equally important to agree to avoid blame or hostility during this conversation. Focusing on a positive and constructive dialogue will help create a supportive atmosphere for your child, allowing them to express their feelings without fear of taking sides.
When it comes to choosing the right moment to have this important discussion, select a time when your child is calm and not preoccupied with other stresses that could distract them or heighten their anxiety, such as school exams, sports events, or other extracurricular commitments. A relaxed environment can significantly enhance the effectiveness of the conversation. It is advisable to avoid breaking the news during holidays, birthdays, or other special occasions, as these times are often associated with joy and celebration, and introducing such heavy news can overshadow those moments, leading to lasting negative associations. Instead, find a quiet time when your child feels secure and comfortable, allowing them the space to absorb the information and ask questions. This thoughtful timing can help facilitate a more open and honest dialogue, making it easier for your child to process their feelings and understand the situation at hand.
2. Keep the Message Clear, Simple, and Age-Appropriate
Children of different ages process divorce differently, so it is essential to tailor your message accordingly to ensure that they understand the situation in a way that is appropriate for their developmental stage:
Young children (ages 3-6): When explaining the changes that come with divorce to young children, it is crucial to keep your explanations simple, straightforward, and concrete. At this age, children may struggle to grasp abstract concepts, so using clear language is essential. For example, you might say something like: “Mom and Dad won’t be living in the same house anymore, but we both love you very much and will always be here for you.” It can also be helpful to reassure them that their routines, such as playtime and bedtime, will remain consistent, which provides them with a sense of stability amidst the changes.
School-age children (ages 7-12): As children enter this age group, they tend to become more aware of their surroundings and may ask more questions about the divorce. They might be curious about how their daily lives will change and what this means for their relationships with both parents. It is important to respond to their inquiries honestly while avoiding unnecessary details that could overwhelm them. For instance, you could say, “You will still see both Mom and Dad, and we will work together to make sure you are happy and taken care of.” Providing reassurance about their daily life and the continuity of love and support from both parents can help alleviate their fears and uncertainties.
Teenagers (ages 13-18): Teenagers often have a more complex emotional response to divorce, as they are navigating their own identities and relationships. They may experience a mix of anger, sadness, and confusion, and it is important to give them the space to express their feelings. Acknowledge their concerns by saying something like, “I know this is really hard for you, and it’s okay to feel upset. We’re here to support you through this.” While it is vital to be open about the situation, be mindful not to burden them with your own emotional struggles. Instead, focus on maintaining an open line of communication, allowing them to voice their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
Regardless of age, children need to hear that the divorce is not their fault. It is imperative to reinforce that both parents will continue to love and care for them unconditionally. Emphasizing the message that both parents are still on the same team, even though they are no longer married, can help children feel more secure during this tumultuous time. Regularly reminding them that both parents are committed to their well-being and happiness can foster resilience and help them adjust to the new family dynamics. Creating a supportive environment where they feel safe to express their emotions and concerns will ultimately aid in their healing process.
3. Use a Calm and Reassuring Tone
Children are perceptive and take emotional cues from parents. When parents present distressing news with visible anxiety, children absorb those feelings. It's crucial for parents to be aware of their emotions when discussing sensitive topics. Speaking calmly reassures children of their safety and love, creating a secure environment.
Pausing to breathe during emotional conversations helps stabilize the atmosphere. Children feel secure when parents handle situations with composure. Parents' emotional reactions shape children's perceptions, so maintaining calm is essential.
Even with unresolved issues, emphasizing teamwork, such as saying "we will figure it out together," instills unity and support. This helps children feel secure and reinforces that they are not alone. Open communication and partnership promote resilience and adaptability in facing challenges.
4. Address Immediate Concerns
Children often experience a great deal of anxiety and concern when faced with practical changes in their lives, particularly during significant transitions such as parental separation or relocation. These worries can manifest in various forms, and some of the most common questions they may ask include:
Where will I live?
Will I still go to the same school?
Will I see both of you regularly?
When addressing these questions, it is essential to answer as concretely as possible, providing clear and straightforward information. If some details are still undecided or in the planning stages, it is vital to reassure children that both parents are actively working together to create a plan that prioritizes their well-being and happiness. Emphasize that their feelings are valid and that it is okay to have concerns about these changes. Additionally, it is crucial to avoid making promises that may not be feasible to keep, as this can lead to further disappointment and anxiety. Instead, focus on the aspects of their lives that will remain stable and the support they will continue to have from both parents during this transition.
5. Allow for Emotions and Questions
Every child reacts differently to significant life changes, such as divorce—some may cry, expressing their sadness and confusion, while others may exhibit anger, feeling betrayed or upset by the upheaval in their family life. There are also those who may appear indifferent, masking their true feelings beneath a facade of nonchalance. It is crucial to understand that there is no “right” way to feel during such a tumultuous time; each child’s emotional response is valid and should be acknowledged without judgment. It is important for parents to create an environment where all emotions can be expressed freely and openly. If your child poses tough questions about the situation, it is vital to answer them honestly, but always with a level of discretion that is appropriate for their age and maturity. It is advisable to provide clear, straightforward explanations without overwhelming them with unnecessary details. Additionally, avoid placing blame on your partner, even if the divorce is contentious and filled with unresolved issues. This approach not only models respectful communication but also helps to minimize further emotional turmoil for the child.
Reassure them that it's perfectly okay to have mixed feelings about the situation, as emotions can be complex and multifaceted. Encourage your child to express their thoughts and feelings, letting them know that they can always come to you with questions or concerns without fear of judgment. Make it clear that you are there to listen and support them through this challenging time. By fostering open communication, you can help your child navigate their feelings and understand that it is normal to feel a range of emotions, from sadness to anger to confusion. This reassurance can provide them with a sense of security and comfort, knowing that they have a safe space to explore their feelings and that they are not alone in this process.
6. Reinforce Stability and Routine
Divorce is often a tumultuous experience that introduces a significant amount of uncertainty into the lives of everyone involved, particularly children. In the midst of this upheaval, maintaining familiar routines can serve as a vital source of comfort and stability for young ones. It is essential to keep bedtime rituals, school activities, and family traditions as consistent as possible, as these elements provide a sense of normalcy amidst the chaos. For instance, continuing to read a bedtime story or engaging in a nightly chat about the day's events can help children feel anchored. Stability in these everyday practices allows children to develop a sense of security, which is crucial as they navigate the emotional complexities that come with changes in family dynamics. By ensuring that these routines remain intact, parents can help mitigate feelings of anxiety or fear that may arise during this challenging time.
Furthermore, if co-parents can collaborate effectively, they should strive to create a predictable schedule that clearly outlines when children will spend time with each parent. This predictability is key, as it helps children understand the structure of their new reality and fosters a sense of control over their circumstances. It is also vital for each parent to explicitly communicate the importance of the child spending quality time with the other parent. By doing so, they reinforce the message that, despite the separation, they are still a unified team committed to the well-being of their child. This cooperative approach not only enhances the child's emotional health but also models positive communication and collaboration for them. Ultimately, prioritizing these efforts can help children adjust more smoothly to the changes in their family life, allowing them to thrive even in the face of adversity.
7. Offer Support and Resources
Encourage your child to express their feelings through various creative outlets such as journaling, art, or engaging in open conversations with a trusted adult. Journaling can serve as a powerful tool for self-reflection, allowing them to articulate their thoughts and emotions in a safe space. Art, whether it be drawing, painting, or crafting, provides a visual medium for children to convey what they might find difficult to express verbally. It can be incredibly therapeutic and can help them process complex feelings. Additionally, reassure them that it is perfectly okay to seek professional help. Let them know they can see a therapist if they need additional support, as mental health professionals can offer valuable strategies and coping mechanisms tailored to their unique experiences.
Moreover, consider introducing them to books specifically about divorce that are age-appropriate, as these can help them understand their emotions better and realize they are not alone in their experiences. Child-friendly resources, such as websites or interactive tools designed for kids, can also provide a wealth of information and coping strategies. Support groups, either in-person or online, can offer a sense of community and connection with other children who are navigating similar challenges. These resources can help normalize their feelings, validate their experiences, and provide guidance during this transition, ultimately fostering resilience and emotional growth as they adapt to the changes in their family dynamics.
8. Keep the Lines of Communication Open
This is not a one-time conversation. Children may have new questions or emotions as they process the complexities surrounding the divorce. It is essential to recognize that the impact of such a significant life change can unfold over time, and as they navigate their feelings, they might experience a wide range of emotions, including confusion, sadness, anger, or even relief. Therefore, it is crucial to check in with them regularly. Make it a point to create opportunities for dialogue by asking open-ended questions about how they’re feeling and what thoughts are on their mind. Reassure them that their emotions are valid and matter. Acknowledge that it is perfectly normal for them to have fluctuating feelings and that it’s okay to express those feelings in a safe environment. Consistent communication can help them feel secure and supported, fostering a sense of stability amidst the changes.
Even if they don’t want to talk right away, it is important to let them know that you are available whenever they feel ready to share their thoughts and feelings. Create an atmosphere of openness, where they understand that they can approach you at any time without fear of judgment or dismissal. Encourage them to express themselves in whatever way feels comfortable, whether that be through conversation, art, writing, or other forms of expression. This approach not only validates their feelings but also reinforces the idea that they are not alone in this journey. By being patient and understanding, you can help them process their emotions at their own pace, ensuring they feel heard and supported throughout the entire experience.
9. Work Toward a Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship
Divorce can significantly alter the dynamics within a family unit, introducing a variety of emotional challenges and adjustments that all members must navigate. However, it is crucial to understand that while these changes are often difficult, children do not necessarily have to endure conflict as a result of their parents' separation. It is essential for both parents to strive for open and respectful communication with one another, particularly when discussing matters related to their children. Keeping discussions about disagreements and differing opinions private, away from the ears of the children, can help create a more stable environment for them during this tumultuous time. By doing so, parents can model healthy conflict resolution and demonstrate to their children the importance of maintaining civility, even in challenging circumstances.
It is of paramount importance that children are never made to feel caught in the middle of their parents’ disputes, nor should they be pressured to take sides in any disagreements. This can create unnecessary emotional turmoil and lead to feelings of guilt or confusion. Instead, parents should actively encourage and foster positive relationships with both of them, emphasizing that their love for each parent is not only acceptable but also encouraged. Reassuring children that they do not have to choose between their love for each of you is vital for their emotional well-being. By promoting an environment where children feel safe to express their feelings and maintain strong bonds with both parents, families can work towards a healthier post-divorce dynamic that prioritizes the best interests of the children involved.
10. Be Patient with the Healing Process
Adjusting to divorce takes time and is a complex process that varies significantly from child to child. The initial reactions of children to the divorce of their parents can often be misleading; some children may appear to cope well in the early stages, displaying resilience and a sense of normalcy. However, as time progresses, the emotional weight of the situation may begin to surface, leading to unexpected struggles that can manifest in various ways. For instance, some children may begin to exhibit signs of distress long after the divorce has been finalized, grappling with feelings of loss, confusion, or anger that they may not have fully processed. On the other hand, there are children who may respond immediately to the changes in their family dynamic by acting out, either in school settings or at home. This behavior can include increased irritability, withdrawal from friends and activities they once enjoyed, or even aggressive actions as a way to express their inner turmoil. In these instances, it is crucial for parents and caregivers to remain patient and observant, recognizing that each child's journey through the emotional landscape of divorce is unique. Providing consistent emotional support, reassurance, and open lines of communication can significantly aid children in navigating their feelings and help them feel secure during this challenging time.
If you notice signs of severe anxiety, depression, or notable behavioral changes in your child, it may be beneficial to consider seeking professional guidance from a child therapist. These trained professionals can offer valuable insights and coping strategies tailored to your child's specific needs. Therapy can create a safe space for children to express their feelings and work through their emotions in a constructive manner. A therapist may employ various techniques, such as play therapy or cognitive-behavioral approaches, to help children articulate their experiences and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Engaging with a therapist not only provides children with tools to manage their feelings but also helps parents understand how best to support their child's emotional health during this transitional period. It is essential to take any signs of distress seriously and to act promptly, as early intervention can lead to more positive outcomes for children adjusting to the changes brought on by divorce.
Moving Forward
Telling your children about divorce is never easy, but approaching the conversation with honesty, sensitivity, and reassurance can help them navigate this difficult transition. By focusing on their emotional well-being and maintaining a sense of stability, you can help them adjust to their new family structure with resilience and confidence.
If you're struggling with how to support your child through divorce, don't hesitate to seek help from a qualified child and adolescent therapist. With the right approach, children can emerge from this experience feeling secure, loved, and supported.
Our San Diego, California based counseling practice specializes in helping teens and adults who struggle with anxiety. Through counseling, we help kids and young adults overcome the negative thought cycles, the constant comparison game, and worst-case scenarios that accompany the anxious brain. Additionally, we offer other mental health services, primarily for perfectionists, overachievers or others who don’t feel like they 100% fit in. More specifically we offer treatment for anxiety/OCD, and depression at La Jolla Therapy Center. If you don’t live around San Diego or the commute makes in-person therapy impossible, all of our services are available via online therapy to anyone physically located in California. Therefore, we work with clients from Sacramento to Palo Alto or even Mountain View. You and your family deserve to finally feel less overwhelmed, so let’s get started!
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