When Your Child Refuses to Sleep Alone: How to Support Kids with Separation Anxiety and Bedtime Fears

Child anxiously awaits bedtime with his teddy bear, illustrating how therapy at La Jolla Therapy Center can help teach families how to navigate bed time with ease.

“My child refuses to sleep in their own bed.”

“She begs me to stay until she falls asleep.”

“He ends up in our bed every single night.”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many parents face nightly struggles when it comes to bedtime—and while it might look like defiance or “clinginess,” it’s often a sign of something deeper: separation anxiety, sleep anxiety, or a child feeling anxious, scared, or emotionally unsafe when trying to sleep alone.

In this blog, we’ll explore how anxious children experience bedtime differently, what separation anxiety at night can look like, and what parents can do to gently support their child in learning to sleep independently. Whether your child is asking you to sleep in their room, sneaking into your bed in the middle of the night, or struggling to fall asleep unless you’re present, this guide is for you.

Why Some Children Feel Scared or Anxious at Bedtime

Bedtime can trigger feelings of fear and vulnerability in children, especially those dealing with anxiety or separation anxiety. For many kids, nighttime means being apart from their main source of comfort—you.

Anxious children may struggle with:

• Fear of being alone

• Fear of the dark

• Fear that something bad will happen to themselves when they are asleep

• Fear that something bad will happen to their parents or family when they are asleep

• General sleep anxiety or worry about falling or staying asleep

  
  

These worries often lead to behaviors like:

• Refusing to sleep in their own room

• Asking a parent to stay until they fall asleep

• Crying or panicking when left alone

• Sneaking into their parents’ bed at night

• Waking frequently and needing reassurance

  
  

These behaviors aren’t manipulative—they’re signs of distress. Understanding the root of your child’s nighttime anxiety is the first step in helping them build the confidence to sleep independently.

1. Validate Their Feelings Without Giving In to the Anxiety

Start by acknowledging your child’s fear, while simultaneously expressing your confidence that they can overcome their sleep anxiety. Say things like:

• “I know you feel scared sleeping by yourself right now, and I know you can do scary things.”

• “It’s okay to feel nervous. A lot of kids feel that way sometimes. Being brave means trying something hard even when we are nervous.”

• "It's hard being away from mom and dad. I promise it will get easier with practice."

  
  

Validating emotions doesn’t mean removing all discomfort. It means saying: “I see that you’re scared—and I believe you can handle this, with my support.” That’s a powerful message for an anxious child.

2. Understand the Root of Sleep Refusal: It’s Often Separation Anxiety

Children who experience separation anxiety at night often aren’t just scared of the dark—they’re scared of being away from you. This anxiety is often accompanied by a fear that they will be physically harmed in your absence, or that you (the parent) will be physically harmed in their absence.

Pro tip: If your child mentions having nightmares involving physical harm to themselves or you in the context of separation, this can often be a warning sign of separation anxiety.

For kiddos with separation anxiety, parental presence has become their primary safety blanket, and they haven’t yet developed tools to self-soothe when they’re nervous or overwhelmed. This is why child therapy and parent support can be so helpful. A trained child therapist can guide your child in learning to self-regulate difficult emotions using coping skills and relaxation training, while also helping parents build consistent, healthy bedtime habits.

3. Use Gradual Separation Techniques at Bedtime

If your child needs you in the room to fall asleep, try using gradual separation. Instead of an abrupt transition, make changes step by step:

• Start by sitting next to their bed until they fall asleep

• Move to a chair in the room a few feet away from their bed over a few nights

• Then move the chair closer to the door

• Stand outside the door with the door open while they fall asleep

• Eventually, try checking in every few minutes after saying goodnight

  
  

This process helps your child build confidence and resilience, while still feeling supported.

4. Build a Predictable Bedtime Routine for Anxious Kids

Anxious and nervous children thrive with structure. A consistent, calming bedtime routine helps the brain and body know it’s time to wind down.

Here’s an example:

• No screens at least 60 minutes before bed

• Warm bath or shower

• Quiet activity like coloring, reading, or a calming playlist

• A goodnight routine with hugs and kisses

  
  

This routine can reduce bedtime anxiety and help your child feel safe—even before their head hits the pillow.

5. Give Your Child Tools to Cope with Nighttime Worries

Teaching children to manage anxiety at night gives them the power to regulate their emotions. You can introduce tools such as:

• Deep breathing exercises (blowing bubbles or pretending to blow out candles)

• Guided meditation or relaxing audio stories

• A worry journal or drawing pad to express fears

• A favorite stuffed animal or calming nightlight as a comfort item

• A "monster spray" (think essential oils, glitter, food dye) that you create together and spray around their room as part of a bedtime routine

• Positive self-talk like “I’m safe,” “I can be brave,” or “Mom is just down the hall”

  
  

These are strategies used in both child therapy and teen therapy to help manage sleep anxiety.

6. Talk About the Plan During the Day, Not at Bedtime

Avoid trying to introduce new rules or routines during the heat of the bedtime struggle. When your child is already anxious, tired, or upset, reasoning will be tough.

Instead, talk during the day:

• “Tonight I’ll sit in the chair instead of on your bed. I’ll be close by.”

• “We’re going to practice staying in your bed all night.”

  
  

This gives your child time to prepare mentally and emotionally, which can reduce nighttime resistance.

7. If Your Child Sleeps in Your Room, Start With Small Shifts

For families where the child is sleeping in the parents’ bed, you don’t have to make an all-or-nothing change. Start small:

• Move your child to a sleeping bag or mattress next to your bed

• Then transition them to their own room, possibly with a reward system

• Use consistent messaging: “You’re learning how to sleep on your own—and I’ll help you.”

  
  

Sleep independence takes time, especially for children who are used to co-sleeping as a comfort strategy.

8. When to Consider Professional Help for Sleep Anxiety

If your child’s sleep anxiety is persistent, or if your efforts aren’t working despite consistency, it may be time to consult a child therapist. Therapists trained in anxiety treatment, separation anxiety, and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can help your child and your family create a healthier, calmer bedtime routine.

Teenagers struggling with nighttime fears or insomnia may also benefit from teen therapy, which can address deeper anxiety patterns or other emotional concerns.

Final Thoughts: Helping Your Child Build Sleep Independence

Supporting an anxious child through nighttime fears can be exhausting—but you’re not alone. Many children struggle with sleep anxiety and/or separation anxiety at night, and with the right tools, routines, and support, meaningful progress is possible.

Remember: the goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress. One night at a time.

Need help navigating your child’s anxiety? If bedtime battles are affecting your family’s well-being, consider reaching out for support. Working with a therapist who specializes in child therapy or teen therapy can help your child develop confidence—and help you parent from a place of clarity and calm.

Our San Diego, California based counseling practice specializes in helping teens and adults who struggle with anxiety. Through counseling, we help kids and young adults overcome the negative thought cycles, the constant comparison game, and worst-case scenarios that accompany the anxious brain. Additionally, we offer other mental health services, primarily for perfectionists, overachievers or others who don’t feel like they 100% fit in. More specifically we offer treatment for anxiety/OCD, and depression at La Jolla Therapy Center. If you don’t live around San Diego or the commute makes in-person therapy impossible, all of our services are available via online therapy to anyone physically located in California. Therefore, we work with clients from Sacramento to Palo Alto or even Mountain View. You and your family deserve to finally feel less overwhelmed, so let’s get started!