Parenting an Anxious Child? Avoid These Top 5 Mistakes

If you’re parenting an anxious child, you already know how exhausting, confusing, and emotional it can be. The constant reassurance-seeking ("Am I going to have fun at the party?Will I know anyone there? Is it OK if I show up 5 min late?"), the avoidance (it can feel like pulling teeth just getting out of the house in the morning sometimes, am I right?), the (often public) meltdowns —it’s not easy, and it can leave even the most patient parents exhausted.

You want to help your child feel safe, confident, and calm. But sometimes, even with the best intentions, our responses to anxiety can accidentally reinforce it.

In this post, we’ll explore five common mistakes parents make when supporting an anxious or nervous child—and what you can do instead to help your child build emotional resilience and coping skills.

1. Don’t Avoid the Thing That’s Making Them Anxious

It’s natural to want to protect your child from discomfort. If your child cries before a soccer game or clings to you at school drop-off, it can be tempting to say, “You don’t have to go.” But this teaches their brain that avoidance = relief, and that the only way to feel safe is to escape the scary situation.

What to do instead: Use a technique called gradual exposure. Help your child face the anxiety-inducing situation in small, manageable steps, with your support. This builds confidence over time and teaches them that they can handle discomfort—and that it will pass. It's OK to start small, such as encouraging your child to show up just for the warm-up of the soccer game and then leave right before the game starts. That is progress.

2. Don’t Over-Reassure

When your child says, “What if I fail?” or “What if something bad happens?” it’s easy to fall into the trap of constant reassurance:

• “You’ll be fine.”

• “Nothing bad will happen.”

• “There’s nothing to worry about.”

  
  

But this kind of reassurance often feeds anxiety instead of calming it. It teaches the child to rely on you to regulate their fears, rather than building internal coping strategies.

What to do instead: Acknowledge their fear: “It makes sense you’re feeling nervous about that.” Then shift to helping them problem-solve or use a coping tool, like deep breathing, positive self-talk, or visualizing success.

3. Don’t Punish or Shame Their Anxiety

In a moment of desperation, parents may try to argue against their child's big feelings as a means to try to help the child self-regulate. Phrases like...

• “Stop acting like a baby.”

• “There’s nothing to be scared of.”

• “Why can’t you be brave like your brother?”

• "Stop being so dramatic."

  
  

…may come out in moments of frustration, but they end up sending the message that anxiety is something to be ashamed of. This often increases shame, isolation, and internalized fear—especially in kids who are already trying hard to hold it together. Your child learns it isn't OK to come to you with their big feelings, and may try to hide their emotions in the future.

What to do instead: Normalize anxiety. Say things like: “Everyone feels anxious sometimes. It’s your brain trying to protect you—even if it’s getting it wrong right now.” Then remind them of past moments when they handled something hard.

4. Don’t Accommodate Every Anxiety-Driven Request

Parents of anxious children often find themselves making small changes to avoid triggering their child’s stress—sleeping in their bed, speaking for them in social settings, or allowing them to skip activities.

These accommodations are understandable, and sometimes necessary in the short-term. But over time, they can reinforce anxiety and make it harder for kids to function independently.

What to do instead: Set small, age-appropriate boundaries while offering support. For example: “I’m not going to stay in your room tonight, but I’ll check on you every 10 minutes.” Or, “You don’t have to talk a lot at the party, but we’re still going for 30 minutes.”

5. Don’t Ignore Your Own Stress

When your child is anxious, it’s easy to become anxious too. You might start walking on eggshells, feeling overwhelmed, or even questioning your parenting abilities. But your child is constantly watching how you handle stress—and if you’re not okay, it’s hard to help them feel okay.

What to do instead: Take care of yourself. Reflect on your own relationship with anxiety. Talk to a therapist, lean on your support network, or learn emotional regulation skills you can model for your child. Remember, you are your child’s emotional anchor.

Final Thoughts

Parenting an anxious child is not about doing everything perfectly—it’s about staying consistent, connected, and curious about what’s going on beneath the surface.

If you’ve made some of these mistakes (and we all have!), know this: you’re not alone, and it’s never too late to shift how you support your child. With empathy, patience, and a few evidence-based tools, you can help your child learn to manage anxiety—not avoid it.

Need support? Working with a therapist who specializes in child therapy or teen therapy can make a huge difference. Whether your child is dealing with separation anxiety, school refusal, social anxiety, or generalized anxiety, a collaborative plan can help your whole family move forward.

Our San Diego, California-based counseling practice specializes in helping teens and adults who struggle with anxiety. Through counseling, we help kids and young adults overcome the negative thought cycles, the constant comparison game, and worst-case scenarios that accompany the anxious brain. Additionally, we offer other mental health services, primarily for perfectionists, overachievers, or others who don’t feel like they 100% fit in. More specifically, we offer treatment for anxiety/OCD and depression at La Jolla Therapy Center. If you don’t live around San Diego or the commute makes in-person therapy impossible, all of our services are available via online therapy to anyone physically located in California. Therefore, we work with clients from Sacramento to Palo Alto or even Mountain View. You and your family deserve to finally feel less overwhelmed, so let’s get started!