Help, What do I do? My Child Refuses to Go to School!

I hear parents say over and over just how hard it is to get their child ready for school in the morning. The constant reminders to get out of bed, the uncertainty of when your kiddo will finally be ready to leave, and the overwhelming guilt and self-blame when they show up late—yet again. Add in the ripple effect on your own work schedule or responsibilities, and it’s stress on top of stress on top of stress.

School refusal is a distressing and emotionally draining experience for any parent. Watching your child struggle to attend school can leave you feeling frustrated, confused, and powerless. But understanding the root causes—and implementing supportive, practical strategies—can make a significant difference.

Let’s walk through some helpful tools and tips for managing school refusal and supporting your child’s mental health.

Understanding School Refusal and Anxiety

School refusal is very different from truancy. It's not about being defiant or trying to skip school for fun. Rather, it's often driven by anxiety and emotional distress. Common sources include:

• Social Anxiety: Fear of judgment, rejection, embarrassment, or how others perceive them—around peers or teachers.

• Separation Anxiety: For younger children, being apart from parents or caregivers may feel unsafe or overwhelming.

• Academic Pressure: Fear of failure, perfectionism, or overwhelming worry about grades, homework, or tests.

• Bullying or Peer Conflict: Negative social experiences can make school feel unsafe or unwelcoming.

• Other Stressors: Changes like moving, transitioning schools, or family-related stress can heighten anxiety.

Recognizing what’s behind the behavior is the first step toward addressing the problem effectively.

5 Evidence‑Based Parenting Strategies to Support Your Child

1. Listen Without Judgment

When your child expresses reluctance to go to school, try not to dismiss their fears as silly or irrational. Create a safe space for open and honest communication. Try asking:

• “Can you tell me what makes school hard for you?”

• “What do you feel when you think about going to school?”

Avoid statements like “You’ll be fine” or “Everyone has to go to school.” These can unintentionally invalidate their feelings. Instead, offer empathy: show them their feelings matter and that you’re on their team.

2. Seek Professional Support Early

If school refusal becomes a frequent issue, consider seeking help from a mental health professional—ideally one who specializes in working with children or adolescents, anxiety disorders, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is particularly effective.

A therapist can help your child:

• Develop coping strategies,

• Reframe anxious thoughts, and

• Gradually face challenges related to school.

Also, involve your child’s school counselor to create a collaborative support plan.

3. Create a Low-Stress Morning Routine

Mornings are often the hardest time for kids experiencing school anxiety. Try reducing the pressure with a consistent and calming routine:

• Prepare clothes, backpacks, and lunches the night before.

• Maintain a good nighttime sleep schedule.

• Wake up earlier to allow time for a calm breakfast or soothing activities like deep breathing or music.

• Avoid rushing or engaging in power struggles.

Predictability can make mornings feel less overwhelming for everyone.

4. Use Gradual Exposure

Facing anxiety head-on can feel like climbing a mountain. Instead, gradual exposure helps ease your child into the school environment by taking small, manageable steps:

• Drive to the school parking lot together.

• Walk into the building without staying.

• Start with a favorite class or activity.

• Increase attendance over time.

Celebrate each small success—it builds confidence and reduces anxiety over time.

5. Collaborate with the School

Strong communication with the school is essential. Set up a meeting with teachers, counselors, or administrators to create a personalized support plan. Accommodations may include:

• Flexible arrival times or shortened days,

• Scheduled breaks for calming strategies,

• A designated “safe space” in the building, or

• Adjusted academic workload.

Having the school on your side can make a world of difference.

6. Teach and Practice Coping Strategies

Give your child tools they can use when anxiety spikes. Some helpful techniques include:

• Deep Breathing: Inhale deeply, exhale slowly—this calms the nervous system.

• Positive Self-Talk: Encourage phrases like “I can do this” or “It’s okay to feel nervous.”

• Visualization: Have them picture a peaceful, happy place.

• Problem-Solving: Brainstorm practical solutions together for specific worries.

Modeling these skills yourself can help reinforce them. (YouTube and Spotify have free guided meditations and breathing exercises to try together.)

7. Be Patient and Consistent

Progress is rarely linear. There will be good days and hard days. That’s normal.

Avoid punitive consequences like taking away privileges, which may increase anxiety. Instead:

• Stay calm and supportive,

• Praise effort over outcome,

• Acknowledge small wins:

  “I’m so proud of you for trying today. That took courage.”

Consistency and encouragement go a long way.

8. Address Underlying Issues

Sometimes, anxiety is a symptom—not the root cause. Talk to your child and their teachers about what might be going on:

• If bullying is suspected, push for immediate school intervention.

• If academic challenges are present, explore tutoring, a 504 Plan, or an Individualized Education Plan (IEP).

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Addressing the deeper issues can make school feel safer and more manageable.

9. Prioritize Your Own Self-Care

Supporting a child through school refusal is emotionally exhausting. You also need support.

• Reach out to friends, family, or other parents.

• Consider speaking with a therapist for yourself.

• Take time for your own rest and well-being.

Remember: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Modeling self-care teaches your child its importance too.

10. Celebrate Successes—No Matter How Small

Each step forward counts. Whether your child:

• Attended class for 15 minutes,

• Tried a new calming skill, or

• Opened up about how they feel—

Celebrate their progress. Encouragement builds momentum and reinforces resilience.

When to Seek Additional Help

If school refusal persists despite your best efforts, consult a mental health provider for a full evaluation. There may be underlying concerns such as:

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD),

• Depression,

• Learning differences or neurodivergence.

Early intervention is key to long-term success.

Final Thoughts

School refusal is challenging—but it’s also an opportunity to build connection, trust, and resilience. With empathy, patience, and the right strategies, your child can learn to manage their anxiety and feel safe at school again.

You are not alone. Many families go through this, and help is available.

Ready to Get Support?

Our San Diego, California-based counseling practice specializes in helping teens and adults who struggle with anxiety. Through counseling, we help kids and young adults overcome the negative thought cycles, the constant comparison game, and worst-case scenarios that accompany the anxious brain. Additionally, we offer other mental health services, primarily for perfectionists, overachievers, or others who don’t feel like they 100% fit in. More specifically, we offer treatment for anxiety/OCD and depression at La Jolla Therapy Center. If you don’t live around San Diego or the commute makes in-person therapy impossible, all of our services are available via online therapy to anyone physically located in California. Therefore, we work with clients from Sacramento to Palo Alto or even Mountain View. You and your family deserve to finally feel less overwhelmed. Get started today by scheduling your free phone consultation with a member of our team here.