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Christina Faddoul-Lucero, LMFT

Testing, Testing, 1-2-3... How Not to Freak Out: A Performance Anxiety Guide for Parents

Updated: Nov 25


Student taking a test struggling with performance anxiety and parents are trying to support
Student getting feedback from the teacher

Test anxiety is something many kids experience, and it can be tough for parents to watch. You may feel unsure about how to support your child through this stress. There are many ways you can help your child manage this anxiety, so they feel more confident and ready when test day arrives. You can provide valuable support by taking a proactive and compassionate approach that not only helps with test anxiety but also builds resilience for future challenges. Here are some practical strategies to support your child through test anxiety.


1. Create a Safe Space for Open Conversations


Encourage your child to talk about their fears and feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to feel nervous, they’re not alone, and many people experience test anxiety. If you’ve experienced test anxiety, you can share that with them, too! Listen actively, validate their concerns, and avoid dismissing their feelings. Providing a validating statement like, “I understand why you’re nervous; tests can feel stressful,” can help them feel heard and understood. Creating this safe space reassures them that they can talk to you about their anxieties without fear of judgment.


2. Teach Relaxation Techniques


Learning to relax is key to managing anxiety. Try practicing some simple relaxation techniques with your child, such as:


Deep Breathing: Slow, deep breaths can lower anxiety almost instantly. Have your child breathe in for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for four.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Guide them to tense and release different muscle groups, starting from their toes and moving up to their head. This helps them release physical tension.

Visualization: Encourage them to close their eyes and imagine a peaceful, happy place, like a beach or a cozy room. Visualization can be especially helpful for calming pre-test nerves.


It is important to practice these techniques regularly in order for them to be more effective, just like any new skill, so try incorporating them into your child’s daily routine such as before bed, before school or after school. You can find plenty of guided examples on YouTube or Spotify!


3. Focus on Preparation Over Perfection


Test anxiety often stems from a fear of failure or feeling unprepared. You can help your child develop a study plan that breaks down the material into smaller, more manageable parts over a period of time. Studying in small increments over several days is far less stressful than cramming the night before. You can assist with:


  • Setting Mini-Goals: Break down studying into specific goals, such as “complete five math problems” or “review vocabulary words for 15 minutes.”

  • Taking Regular Breaks: Short, focused study sessions (around 20-30 minutes) with short breaks in between can boost retention and reduce burnout.


Encourage your child to focus on doing their best rather than aiming for perfection. This can help reduce the pressure they place on themselves. 


4. Model a Positive Mindset Toward Tests


Kids often look to their parents to gauge how they should react to stressful situations. Try to model a calm and balanced attitude toward tests. Reassure your child that tests are just one part of the learning process and how they do on tests don’t define who they are or what they’re capable of. Again, normalize the experience by sharing age-appropriate stories of times you felt nervous, but found ways to manage it.


5. Celebrate Effort, Not Just Results


Be sure to praise your child’s hard work and dedication, regardless of the outcome. Focusing on effort over achievement helps them feel less pressured and more motivated to keep trying. Instead of asking your child how they scored immediately after a test, ask how they felt about their effort and if there was anything they were proud of. Encourage resilience in your child by promoting a “growth mindset,” the belief that abilities can be developed with time and effort. Let them know that even if they don’t perform as well as they hoped, every test offers a valuable experience for growth and learning.


6. Practice with Mock Tests


Try setting up a “mock test” environment at home where your child can practice answering questions in a timed setting to make the test experience feel more familiar. This can help them become accustomed to the testing environment, which often reduces anxiety on the actual test day and can make the test feel less intimidating.


7. Encourage Healthy Lifestyle Habits


Good physical health is linked to better mental health, particularly sleep, nutrition and physical activity. Encourage your child to get enough sleep, eat nutritious food, and engage in physical activity such as taking breaks to go outside, move around or do something physical. 


8. Help Reframe Negative Thoughts


Kids with test anxiety often struggle with negative self-talk, such as “I’m going to fail” or “I’m not smart enough.” Help your child challenge these thoughts by teaching them to reframe them into positive or realistic ones. For example:


Negative Thought: “I’m going to fail this test.”

Reframe: “I’ve studied hard, and I’ll do my best. I’m prepared to handle it.”


Over time, your child can learn to recognize and replace negative thoughts on their own and ultimately help them feel more in control of their emotions.


Final Thoughts


Helping your child manage test anxiety takes patience, empathy, and consistent support. By modeling a calm approach, validating their feelings, and providing practical tools you can help them build confidence and resilience for challenging moments, including test taking. Overcoming test anxiety can provide them with an opportunity to learn valuable coping skills that will benefit them in managing life’s challenges.


If you notice your child is regularly overwhelmed by test anxiety—leading to withdrawal from schoolwork, a decline in academic performance, avoidance of school, or physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches—it may be time to seek extra support. A therapist experienced in working with children and anxiety can be a valuable resource. You might also consider reaching out to a school counselor or school psychologist to collaborate on creating a plan and strategy to help your child cope effectively.


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